I meditated on what I was really afraid of, and broke it down into three separate areas. Then I drew two cards for each fear from the Tarot of the Sidhe (Schiffer, 2011), one to look at what I need to know about it, the other to suggest what I can do about it. Finally, I drew a single card as a message from spirit.
1) I'm afraid of giving birth
When my son was born, we tried for a home birth. We had a very experienced midwife, and also a back-up plan... which we had to put into effect. I had my first journey in an ambulance, and ended up having an epidural and a forceps delivery. It all felt pretty traumatic, hence my fear.
The Maker Princess tells me that I am able to be an earth mother, giving birth in a healthy way. Being a card of studying, as well as creativity and connection with nature, she makes me think of hypnobirthing. It was something I discovered about a month before my first birthing experience, and now I intend to work on it from the outset if I manage to get pregnant again.
What will help me manage my fear is to connect with LOVE. The Universe is a dance, and the music behind it is love. I need to open to spirit, to the source of that love, and let it fill me, washing away this fear so that I can trust in myself and the world again.
2) I'm afraid another child might also have medical issues
My son suffered complications during and after the birth that left him severely disabled. Every day with him is both a joy and a struggle. While I love him dearly, I really don't want to have another child with these problems - it's draining and heartbreaking and terrifying.
The Dreamer Eight tells me that with this fear I am getting trapped in what-ifs, in looking at "all" the possibilities, rather than staying with what is, in the present.
What will help me with this is to focus on what I can do now, and to accept that I'm just going to have to keep working at it. Working at being the best mother I can be, no matter what the situation with my child/ren, working at not falling into head trips and fears. It's all an on-going process, so I'd better check where I am and then just get on with what needs doing now - what I can do - and not what might be.
3) I'm worried that having a "normal" child would make me love my son less
It's sometimes really hard to be around other families. Seeing their kids, sometimes stroppy, sometimes ill, but fundamentally normal and happy, can be so hard! I worry that if I had another child I would be forever comparing, and finding my son wanting.
The Maker Two reminds me that he will always be my beloved son, no matter what. We are connected at a soul level, and nothing can change that. He is my responsibility, but in the best sense of the word. I found one definition that said: a "force that binds you to the courses of action demanded by that force". In this case, that force is LOVE. That is my responsibility: to act in line with my love for him.
Message from Spirit