Saturday, 4 August 2012

Fears Spread

I realised yesterday that I have been trying so hard not to worry about going to a fertility clinic next Tuesday that I've been unable to sleep and have been worrying about all kinds of other stuff as a distraction from my real fears.  So, I decided I'd better face them head on, and hopefully that way get myself in a better space.

I meditated on what I was really afraid of, and broke it down into three separate areas.  Then I drew two cards for each fear from the Tarot of the Sidhe (Schiffer, 2011), one to look at what I need to know about it, the other to suggest what I can do about it.  Finally, I drew a single card as a message from spirit.

1) I'm afraid of giving birth

When my son was born, we tried for a home birth.  We had a very experienced midwife, and also a back-up plan... which we had to put into effect.  I had my first journey in an ambulance, and ended up having an epidural and a forceps delivery.  It all felt pretty traumatic, hence my fear.

The Maker Princess tells me that I am able to be an earth mother, giving birth in a healthy way.  Being a card of studying, as well as creativity and connection with nature, she makes me think of hypnobirthing.  It was something I discovered about a month before my first birthing experience, and now I intend to work on it from the outset if I manage to get pregnant again.

What will help me manage my fear is to connect with LOVE.  The Universe is a dance, and the music behind it is love.  I need to open to spirit, to the source of that love, and let it fill me, washing away this fear so that I can trust in myself and the world again.

2)  I'm afraid another child might also have medical issues

My son suffered complications during and after the birth that left him severely disabled.  Every day with him is both a joy and a struggle.  While I love him dearly, I really don't want to have another child with these problems - it's draining and heartbreaking and terrifying.

The Dreamer Eight tells me that with this fear I am getting trapped in what-ifs, in looking at "all" the possibilities, rather than staying with what is, in the present.

What will help me with this is to focus on what I can do now, and to accept that I'm just going to have to keep working at it.  Working at being the best mother I can be, no matter what the situation with my child/ren, working at not falling into head trips and fears.  It's all an on-going process, so I'd better check where I am and then just get on with what needs doing now - what I can do - and not what might be.

3)  I'm worried that having a "normal" child would make me love my son less

It's sometimes really hard to be around other families.  Seeing their kids, sometimes stroppy, sometimes ill, but fundamentally normal and happy, can be so hard!  I worry that if I had another child I would be forever comparing, and finding my son wanting.

The Maker Two reminds me that he will always be my beloved son, no matter what.  We are connected at a soul level, and nothing can change that.  He is my responsibility, but in the best sense of the word.  I found one definition that said: "force that binds you to the courses of action demanded by that force".  In this case, that force is LOVE.  That is my responsibility: to act in line with my love for him.
What will help me with this fear?  The answer here is the Warrior Princess: I need to keep my eye clearly on the fact that I love my son.  That love is the torch that will guide me through the shadows of hard times.  My love is a burning flame, I just need the courage to trust in it.  
Another thing I see here is that perhaps this fear is connected to the others - it makes a good excuse not to risk the fears and heartaches associated with trying to have another child.  Deep down, I know I love my son absolutely, that nothing can change that.  What I also need is the courage to open up to the scariness of having another child, with the risks of pregnancy and childbirth, and the possibility that things can always go wrong.
Message from Spirit
I couldn't have asked for a nicer message from Spirit!  The Star speaks of hope, of light in the darkness.  She once again highlights the need to nurture the flame of my spirit, of my son's spirit, and of my hope for a future child.  Whatever comes, Spirit will nurture us all.  Each of us shines in our own way, and the Goddess holds us all in her hands: "In Perfect Love and In Perfect Trust"


  1. The Perfect Love and Perfect Trust embodied in the Star card here includes imperfections--the six-fingered hand. For me, Goddess is the entire universe, and we are part of her. All her parts are perfect, even when they don't seem perfect. Why does Goddess have a six-fingered hand? She's Goddess, she could fix it. But she doesn't. Why should she? She is perfect.

    So, your family is perfect as it is. If you do or don't have another child, you are perfect, your family is perfect. You life is perfect. Life itself, that mysterious flame. That's all that matters.

    1. Beautiful reading of the Star, Carla, thank you! I shall try to remember that, to feel it, which I rarely do. And I shall try not to criticise myself for not feeling my own perfection, as that's just another trap to keep me even further from it.

  2. Dear Kerry,

    your fear based on experience is natural, and it can be hard to overcome. Often in this situation, the only thing we can do is to take a leap of faith and do what we feel is right and what we feel the urge to do. This seems to be reflected in the Star together with acceptance of all possibilities but also trust that all will be well.

    Starlight Blessings,

    Christiane x

    1. Dear Christiane,

      Thank you for your kind words of understanding and support. And yes, I'm so glad the Star came up - I shall try to trust that all will be well.

      Starlight Blessings,
      Kerry x

  3. Very thoughtful and thorough reading!

    This is a challenging topic. Like you, after having a child with health issues (even though it may not be the same as your situation) I had a tremendous amount of anxiety about having another child, and of course this is understandable. People that haven't had the experience of their child having some major medical issue or issues don't know how scary it is to worry that their future children will have the same issues or other problems.

    Thinking on it, the only real choice is either to go forward with things and have the other child or to do what I did and decide not to take the risk. For me it was also asking myself whether I could handle having two children--one with health and mood problems and one that is possibly healthy, but maybe not? But in the end, I do feel that you have to relax about the process as much as possible. Easier said than done, of course!

    The lady I know locally who decided to have another baby seemed very happy that she decided on it and her baby was very healthy. She seemed more in tune with her decision than I did. But I know it made her nervous. Even if someone really wants to do something they are still beset by fears and indecision...I think it's practically unavoidable!

    It's funny, though. When I think about it--I am the type of person who agonizes over just about everything, whether it's a bigger thing or something that doesn't really deserve that attention. So this could just be part of my personality.

    I hope you find the decisions that give you peace and/or the knowledge that you're moving forward.


    1. Hi Magic Mentha,

      My sense is that in these situations it often feels like there are no good/easy choices. Having another child can be scary and hard work, not having one may feel like you're missing out on the opportunity to have a different kind of experience... So, it's complicated, and it's no wonder we worry about what decision to make!

      Thank you for your good wishes and mega-hugs :)

      Love and Light,