It's not often that I remember my dreams in detail, nor that they stay with me long after I've woken. This morning, though, I startled awake at 2.15 from a nightmare of being chased around a derelict building by would-be rapists, and murderers wielding axes. I called for help, but the people who came also wanted to rape and kill me.
I took some 5-HTP (a natural supplement to help me sleep), and went back to bed. Another nightmare came, this time of playing Canasta with tarot cards (perfectly possible, I realise) with my mother and stepfather, and discovering that she had been viciously raped and injured by the people who had been chasing me.
Meditating on it, I realised that this is connected to another fear I have about starting fertility treatments: the prodding and poking, needles and metal gynecological instruments, the loss of privacy and physical intrusion. So, drawing once again on my trusty Tarot of the Sidhe (Schiffer, 2011), I asked what I need to know about this fear, and what I can do that will help me deal with it, as well as requesting a message from spirit.
Secondly, though, is the suggestion that for a big project we may have to do whatever it takes, in terms of time, energy, resources and yes, even discomfort. If I want this child, I will have to make sacrifices: to allow others (the standing stones) to oversee everything, making me and my body the centre of attention, no matter how unpleasant I find it.
Finally, there is the crescent moon cupped underneath the whole scene. This is a reminder of the message from spirit yesterday - that all is held in the hands of the Goddess, and all will be well.
What will help me with this fear is Death. I notice, first, the owl. This bird can turn it's head 360º, and so can represent the ability to see into past, present and future. I need to let go of negative medical experiences from the past (of which there have been a fair few in recent years), in order to move towards the future.
Then there is Death itself. Not that I must die, but perhaps that I need to allow my spirit to retreat into that dark cave, to dissociate from what is happening to my body. If I can sink into inner stillness, connecting with spirit rather than focusing on what is happening, I will not feel the intrusion as intensely. Yes, it's my body, but it isn't all that I am, and in Death physical indignities pale in importance.
Likewise, this message says that my first two readings of the Maker Eight are not mutually exclusive. I AM making too much of this, but I WILL have to put up with some things I might prefer to avoid. Spirit will help me find a balance which makes it bearable, which allows me to do what needs to be done without being overwhelmed by the negatives.
The Goddess is both dark and light, both kind and harsh, both nurturing and cuttingly incisive, seeing into our souls and illuminating our strengths and our weaknesses. Yet both sides are love, helping us to grow and learn. She will be there with me each step of the way.
So mote it be!