Hi Tarot Blog Hoppers, and any one else who finds their way here. You may have come from TABI's blog. If not, why not hop back and check it out, or hop forward following the link at the end of this post? And if you'd like to orient yourself, you can always check out the Master List.
This time round, our wrangler, the fabulous Amethyst Mahoney, asked us to look at our shadow. It seems very appropriate for this time of year as darkness encroaches more and more. Yet, I didn't really feel very dark and shadowy: I've been feeling very productive, with lots going on in my life that feels very positive. Still, all the more reason to suspect that there may be not-so-happy things that I am pushing out of awareness. After all, who has a perfect life, right?
So, I took some time to look inward, past the excitement and creativity, and what I saw was pain about my recent miscarriage, powerlessness at being able to control my life, and sorrow at the difference between my disabled son and other kids his age, which is becoming ever more stark as he gets older.
Those three swords, they are my own thoughts which stab me. At first I thought I was worried about what others will think of me, but really, it's what I think of myself.
I think I'm a bad mother because I sometimes feel ashamed of my son. Others stare at him in the street, especially other children who haven't yet learned that it isn't polite to mock those less fortunate. His disabilities are ever more obvious, but I also love him and think him beautiful. How paradoxical are our feelings!
I think I'm a failure, because I haven't been able to give birth to a healthy child. I had a miscarriage, then gave birth to my son, then had another miscarriage.
I think others pity me for those things. And I pity myself, and hate that pity worst of all. Shouldn't I be strong, and confident and loving and brave? Well, yes, but no-one's perfect! And that brings me right back to my shadow, all the aspects of myself that I think are imperfect.
The Empress, the third Major, tells me that I need to nurture myself when I feel this pain, to be kind and compassionate to myself. Rachel also suggested that allowing ourselves to actually feel the pain is the first step in loving it and ourselves. Well, at least I've taken the first step, then ;) I also see in the Empress the suggestion that my current bout of creativity isn't just a distraction, it is part of my healing, my way of coping.
I notice the irony: my issue is around mothering, and the "solution" is the archetypal mother card! The Empress is a card of nurturing and care, of love in that sense of the word. So, another message I get is to connect with love. To love my son, to love myself, and to trust in the love of others.
I enjoyed this method of starting from a single card and then seeing what connects with it. It felt helpful, and leaves your tarot cloth a little less cluttered, while bringing in a lot of insights.
Now, why not hop on over to the ever-insightful Alison Cross at This Game of Thrones?