Wednesday, 26 June 2013
Back to Tara
I find it interesting, meditating while tangling. The chant helps me focus my intent, and I sink into the patterns. My mind still whirs around a bit, but having tangible foci, in both the chanting and the paper, helps to bring me back to my purpose again and again. As I chanted, I focused on compassion, something I'm feeling in need of right now.
Another part of why I think I overate on Sunday was about having seen a friend on Saturday who is pregnant with number four. Whereas I've had four pregnancies, and only one has been even semi-successful. Yet here she is, having a baby that she'll be hard-pressed to take care of financially. At least it will be surrounded by family, and the eldest kids are old enough to help out.
And I guess that's another big difference: my eldest is still as much of a burden as a two year old, despite being five and a half. Having a sibling would be good for him in many ways, but he won't ever be able to help out with them. Rather, I often feel guilty at thinking about bringing a child into the world knowing they will have to help their elder brother out, with all the stigma of having a disabled sibling, and other children perhaps making hurtful comments.
Ah well, it hasn't happened yet, and may not happen. Dear Tara, bring me compassion for others, and for myself.