Wednesday, 26 June 2013

Back to Tara

In my meditation last night, I chanted to Yemaya and felt quite moved by the experience.  I don't think I'm done with that yet, there is still a lot of emotion there.  Today, though, I hadn't had anywhere near enough sleep when I sat to meditate, so I decided to leave such a precarious area to one side.  Instead, I chanted while tangling, and finished up this piece dedicated to Tara which I had started last week.

I find it interesting, meditating while tangling.  The chant helps me focus my intent, and I sink into the patterns.  My mind still whirs around a bit, but having tangible foci, in both the chanting and the paper, helps to bring me back to my purpose again and again.  As I chanted, I focused on compassion, something I'm feeling in need of right now.

Another part of why I think I overate on Sunday was about having seen a friend on Saturday who is pregnant with number four.  Whereas I've had four pregnancies, and only one has been even semi-successful.  Yet here she is, having a baby that she'll be hard-pressed to take care of financially.  At least it will be surrounded by family, and the eldest kids are old enough to help out.

And I guess that's another big difference: my eldest is still as much of a burden as a two year old, despite being five and a half.  Having a sibling would be good for him in many ways, but he won't ever be able to help out with them.  Rather, I often feel guilty at thinking about bringing a child into the world knowing they will have to help their elder brother out, with all the stigma of having a disabled sibling, and other children perhaps making hurtful comments.

Ah well, it hasn't happened yet, and may not happen.  Dear Tara, bring me compassion for others, and for myself.

4 comments:

  1. You have created another beautiful zentangle. :) I wish you all the best whatever happens with regard to your family. I have never been very broody myself; I did try for a second child very briefly when I was 34ish, but mercifully it didn't happen. (Mercifully because within a year I was divorced. It wasn't until the divorce that I realised the desire to get pregnant was a misguided attempt to save the marriage. Not that I understood that at the time, and I'm most certainly not saying that's what you're experiencing -- that was just my experience.) Several months of taking my basal body temperature and charting my cycle revealed a very short luteal phase, and I decided it wasn't meant to be. Good thing!

    I hope for you that find peace with whatever the future holds.

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    1. Thank you, Eowyn! As for the trying for a child for the wrong reasons, it is something that worries me. Still, I also tried for a child with my ex - so glad that didn't work out, even if I had to become anorexic to stop it. One way for the universe to send me a wake-up call!

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  2. When I read this blog title, I thought you were going to write about Gone with the Wind!!!

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    1. Hee hee, I know, I'm such a tease sometimes ;)

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