Yesterday's session with my therapist was really useful, as were the comments of friends here on the blog. One thing I discussed with my therapist was the buddhist saying that pain is universal but suffering is optional. I felt that I was allowing myself to suffer, showing a lack of spiritual attunement. However, he suggested that maybe it was a question of semantics, and I was experiencing emotional pain, still pain. Which fits well with what Eowyn and Siddaleah said about feeling my feelings. Still, I wonder whether dwelling on my pain is a way I cause myself suffering.
In today's meditation, then, with each mala I decided to focus not on my son's ills, but rather on visualising him in different settings, surrounded by an angelic golden light (like in the Nurture image from Doreen Virtue's Archangel cards that I have on my altar). My son at school, bathed in light. My son in bed, bathed in golden light. My son on the school bus, bathed in light. My son in my arms, bathed in love. Felt pretty good, and I didn't end up blubbing :D
As for the reading, I started drawing cards, thinking I'd do a line of five. However, after I'd done three I just spontaneously decided to draw a fourth as a theme, as I had yesterday. Here they are from the Mystical Lenormand (Königsfurt-Urania, 2004).
Theme: Lily - peace.
Reading: Book, Birds, Coffin.
How I read this is that in order to find a greater sense of peace, I need to have a conversation about secrets that will bring some closure. Looking closer, anxious secrets are coming to an end, through talking with a fellow student. This fits with the fact that I am meeting a friend from a course I took a while back for lunch today, and suggests I open up to her about some of what has happened since last we met. She's very open to talking about emotional things (we met on a counselling training), and has also had issues around food, body image, and pregnancy. I hope, then, that it will bring us both some peace!