Thursday, 6 June 2013

Of Lotuses and Keys

Over the last few days, I've tried to visualise all the health troubles of my son while chanting Om Shree Dhanvantre Namaha, to ask for healing for those.  Before that, I had often prayed for healing for a different person with each repetition, but I felt he needed extra prayers this week, as he's been ill again.  Then, with the rounds of Om Tare Tuttare Ture Svaha, I tried to stick to visualising the petals of a lotus opening at my heart chakra.  Ability to stick with the visualisations has been spotty.  In part, focusing on my son's ills so much had me in tears again this morning, though as I said before, maybe that's part of my healing...  The heart chakra lotus visualisation went better, and I felt a little more expansive at the end of it, and noticed I was less hunched over, too :)

Anyhow, here is an image of my first sketch for the lotus I'm going to paint for Tara.  I decided to go for a pink lotus, as that is the colour for Green Tara, and the colours green and pink are also both associated with the heart chakra.  I hope I'll have some time this weekend to start experimenting with acrylic paints to fill this out...

As for cards, I intended to draw three cards, but a fourth came out, too, so I turned it over as a theme card, which worked really well!  Here are the equivalent cards from the Mystical Lenormand (K√∂nigsfurt-Urania, 2004).

Theme: Owls - wise conversation.

Reading: Key, Man, Rider.  I read this two ways.  More traditionally, a message from a man is key.  More empoweringly, it is key to act on the messages I receive.

Two things pop out for me with this.  Firstly, I'll be seeing my therapist this afternoon (wise conversation), for the first time in 16 days, and he often really helps me clarify things (man with a key message).   

Secondly, I've been having an online conversation with James Ricklef recently about the nature of God and the meaning of life.  I've felt a bit down, particularly with one pithy tarot meaning he gave about our life reflecting our image of God.  I wondered whether that said something about me having internalised some of the Christian vengeful God stuff, as the health issues my son has sometimes feel like a punishment.  James said his intention was always to be empowering, and reminded me that the Dalai Lama said his greatest teacher had been Chairman Mao, as he taught him so much about the virtues of compassion, tolerance and forgiveness.  However, that still left me feeling angry that I sometimes feel so resentful, rather than thanking the universe for giving me this opportunity to be all compassionate and tolerant :/ 

In some ways, I think it's harder when the suffering is not your own.  Despite losing two babies in the last year, I feel I've dealt with the sorrow that entailed.  But watching my son go through pain every day, struggle with each breath he takes at night, and be unable to eat or talk, at the same time as I am always low on sleep, that just feels like torture sometimes.  Not always, there are times I love being with him, and cherish his laughter and cuddles and cheekiness.  Still, there's a big bit of me that feels on occasion that we would all be better off without having to go through so much hardship.  And if all this is to show me just how strong I am, well, I'd rather not have to be so strong.  Even things like thinking that he's unlikely to ever have a girlfriend or boyfriend just seem so unfair.  How does all this show my belief that the universe is a place of love?

Sorry, I'm clearly still a bit down about all this, so excuse the rant.  Hopefully, seeing my therapist will help me come to terms with some of this, at least a little.  And hopefully, I will act on the messages I receive, to make life a little more joyful again, which I know it can be.


  1. Could I just say...Feelings don't know about beliefs. Feelings are feelings. Some are more comfortable than others. Some are more acceptable than others. But all feelings must be felt. We cannot rationalize them. We must feel them, and it's okay to feel them.

    If you feel anger or grief, this does not mean you are a bad person, or that you are being disloyal to beliefs that come from your rational mind. Feelings don't know about Christian gods or universal om. Your thoughts of resentment or of being punished seem to come from rationalizing a feeling. 'What have I done to deserve this?' And while this is a perfectly natural process, to rationalize feelings, it doesn't help.

    My therapist taught me a way to shake off feelings (or she calls it 'discharging' them). It might seem silly but it is a good technique. Rather than thinking, shake it out. Make a sound (a 'brrr' sound while blubbing the lips is good) and shake and shiver the whole body while shaking the arms and hands hard, like a dog shaking water out of its coat. It gets the whole body tingling and helps you notice that the feelings lodge themselves in your physical body. She also recommends kicking and punching (like a vigorous kick box workout), hitting pillows, or any other vigorous physical actions that help you get it out.

    It's certainly effective for getting you through a moment where suddenly it feels like you're going to be completely overwhelmed.

    Here's another lesson I've learned personally, because I have a child with a disability, too. You can't take his burdens on yourself and make them better. Your suffering and crying doesn't make his problems go away. Please don't reject that idea outright. I believe that somehow we get the idea, deep in ourselves, that if we suffer enough for two (or ten, or twenty), then some cosmic scale will adjust and what he's going through will be lessened. But you can't bear his burden, and realising this is a freeing thing.

    I wish you so much joy I can't even express it. I want to tell you you are an inspiration to meany. I deeply admire they way you and your Dear One live your lives. You are amazing. x

    1. (er... an inspiration to MANY, I meant to say...) ;)

    2. Thank you, Carla! It seems ridiculous that I should need to be told that it's okay to feel my feelings, given I've trained and worked as a counsellor, but there it is :)

      I shall certainly give the shaking it off a try. As for the vigorous activity, I think this is one of the blessings of me having been an exercise junkie before he was born, as I think I would have sunk into a far deeper depression if I didn't work out every day. Kicks up the seratonin happy hormone, as well as burning calories and 'shaking' the feelings off :D

      The whole buddhist thing kind of got to me. Should I practice non-attachment to my son?! And is that even possible? I guess it's related to what you say, though, that I can never really take on his burden, so it's not worth putting myself through hell trying...

      Thank you for the much needed wisdom.

  2. And your lotus painting is going to be awesome.

    1. Well, I don't know about that, as I've never used acrylics before. But then, it's more about the process than the product - I chanted to Tara while sketching, too :)

  3. There is nothing so painful as watching your own child suffer. It reminds me of a time when my daughter was going through something horrible and frightening and how I would pray and pray, but she continued to suffer. I got really mad at God. I felt guilty about it for about a half a second because if God loves me like I'm supposed to believe he/she/it does then God loves me unconditionally and can handle my anger too. Besides, trying to feel something other than what you feel is a recipe for stress and making your body ill. {{{hugs}}}

    1. I love that - if God loves you like you believe, then he/she/it can handle your anger too. Wise words indeed :) Thanks for the hugs and wisdom, Siddaleah!