Over the last few days, I've tried to visualise all the health troubles of my son while chanting Om Shree Dhanvantre Namaha, to ask for healing for those. Before that, I had often prayed for healing for a different person with each repetition, but I felt he needed extra prayers this week, as he's been ill again. Then, with the rounds of Om Tare Tuttare Ture Svaha, I tried to stick to visualising the petals of a lotus opening at my heart chakra. Ability to stick with the visualisations has been spotty. In part, focusing on my son's ills so much had me in tears again this morning, though as I said before, maybe that's part of my healing... The heart chakra lotus visualisation went better, and I felt a little more expansive at the end of it, and noticed I was less hunched over, too :)
Anyhow, here is an image of my first sketch for the lotus I'm going to paint for Tara. I decided to go for a pink lotus, as that is the colour for Green Tara, and the colours green and pink are also both associated with the heart chakra. I hope I'll have some time this weekend to start experimenting with acrylic paints to fill this out...
As for cards, I intended to draw three cards, but a fourth came out, too, so I turned it over as a theme card, which worked really well! Here are the equivalent cards from the Mystical Lenormand (Königsfurt-Urania, 2004).
Theme: Owls - wise conversation.
Reading: Key, Man, Rider. I read this two ways. More traditionally, a message from a man is key. More empoweringly, it is key to act on the messages I receive.
Two things pop out for me with this. Firstly, I'll be seeing my therapist this afternoon (wise conversation), for the first time in 16 days, and he often really helps me clarify things (man with a key message).
Secondly, I've been having an online conversation with James Ricklef recently about the nature of God and the meaning of life. I've felt a bit down, particularly with one pithy tarot meaning he gave about our life reflecting our image of God. I wondered whether that said something about me having internalised some of the Christian vengeful God stuff, as the health issues my son has sometimes feel like a punishment. James said his intention was always to be empowering, and reminded me that the Dalai Lama said his greatest teacher had been Chairman Mao, as he taught him so much about the virtues of compassion, tolerance and forgiveness. However, that still left me feeling angry that I sometimes feel so resentful, rather than thanking the universe for giving me this opportunity to be all compassionate and tolerant :/
In some ways, I think it's harder when the suffering is not your own. Despite losing two babies in the last year, I feel I've dealt with the sorrow that entailed. But watching my son go through pain every day, struggle with each breath he takes at night, and be unable to eat or talk, at the same time as I am always low on sleep, that just feels like torture sometimes. Not always, there are times I love being with him, and cherish his laughter and cuddles and cheekiness. Still, there's a big bit of me that feels on occasion that we would all be better off without having to go through so much hardship. And if all this is to show me just how strong I am, well, I'd rather not have to be so strong. Even things like thinking that he's unlikely to ever have a girlfriend or boyfriend just seem so unfair. How does all this show my belief that the universe is a place of love?
Sorry, I'm clearly still a bit down about all this, so excuse the rant. Hopefully, seeing my therapist will help me come to terms with some of this, at least a little. And hopefully, I will act on the messages I receive, to make life a little more joyful again, which I know it can be.