last night's terrible pig-out, I decided I should pull a card to look at why I went into binge-mode. For such an emotional question, I decided to use the Oracle of the Mermaids (Blue Angel, 2013). As I was shuffling the deck, a card fell out. My first response was to think, "Oh, no!" and shove it back in the deck. However, the very strength of my response made me stop and draw the card out again, taking a closer look.
In Yemaya we see a beautiful mermaid with a baby, around which she curls protectively. She looks calm, at peace with her child, and the two of them float in a purple ocean, surrounded by bright lights. Now, Yemaya is an aspect of Goddess I have often chanted to, and whom I have had on my altar at various times. So, how come I responded so negatively to this depiction of her?
Since last October, I've lost two babies. Now, my DH and I are trying again. However, I'm not sure I'm really ready. We were told that the first six months after a pregnancy are a particularly fertile time, and seeing as it's now four months since I last lost a child, it feels like my window of opportunity is closing. So, I took a pill to encourage double ovulation during my last period, to try to increase our chances. Yet, fundamentally, I still feel very torn about getting pregnant again, and even about what it would mean to have another child.
Do I really want another child? Am I willing to go through another pregnancy that may not work out? Should I just accept that I'm getting kinda old for this kind of thing and give up?
My DH is a wonderful father, and would really like another child. My son has a lot of issues, but loves having other kids around, and could do with a sibling to look after him when we're gone. I know it makes sense to try at least one more time. However, that doesn't mean that emotionally I feel in the right place for it.
This isn't something that is going to resolve overnight. What I can do, though, is use this as a reminder to take some time to work through my conflicting emotions. For today's meditation, and probably for the rest of the week, I shall chant to Yemaya, focus on this image, and see where it takes me...