Tuesday, 25 June 2013

Yemaya

This morning, after last night's terrible pig-out, I decided I should pull a card to look at why I went into binge-mode.  For such an emotional question, I decided to use the Oracle of the Mermaids (Blue Angel, 2013).  As I was shuffling the deck, a card fell out.  My first response was to think, "Oh, no!" and shove it back in the deck.  However, the very strength of my response made me stop and draw the card out again, taking a closer look.

In Yemaya we see a beautiful mermaid with a baby, around which she curls protectively.  She looks calm, at peace with her child, and the two of them float in a purple ocean, surrounded by bright lights. Now, Yemaya is an aspect of Goddess I have often chanted to, and whom I have had on my altar at various times.  So, how come I responded so negatively to this depiction of her?

Since last October, I've lost two babies.  Now, my DH and I are trying again.  However, I'm not sure I'm really ready.  We were told that the first six months after a pregnancy are a particularly fertile time, and seeing as it's now four months since I last lost a child, it feels like my window of opportunity is closing.  So, I took a pill to encourage double ovulation during my last period, to try to increase our chances.  Yet, fundamentally, I still feel very torn about getting pregnant again, and even about what it would mean to have another child.

Do I really want another child?  Am I willing to go through another pregnancy that may not work out?  Should I just accept that I'm getting kinda old for this kind of thing and give up?

My DH is a wonderful father, and would really like another child.  My son has a lot of issues, but loves having other kids around, and could do with a sibling to look after him when we're gone.  I know it makes sense to try at least one more time.  However, that doesn't mean that emotionally I feel in the right place for it.

This isn't something that is going to resolve overnight.  What I can do, though, is use this as a reminder to take some time to work through my conflicting emotions.  For today's meditation, and probably for the rest of the week, I shall chant to Yemaya, focus on this image, and see where it takes me...

8 comments:

  1. It sounds like you already know what is best, but are unwilling to accept it.
    More and more mothers are having babies at an older age. My children are 10 years apart. I had my daughter at 21, and my son at 31. For 5 of those 10 years I thought I couldn't have another child. We let nature and the Gods decide. Perhaps you should think about not trying, but not preventing?

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    1. I know what you mean, SWC. Age is a factor here, though, as I'm 42 already. Still, I think there's also a bit where I feel like I just want to get it over and done with one way or the other. We've said this'll be our last try, and after that I can just stop worrying about it, and make peace with whatever the outcome...

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  2. I'm wishing for clarity for you. When I'm trying to make a tough decision I have to do a gut check. If I'm not feeling peace there, it's usually a sign that I'm making the wrong choice. Still, there are those decisions, and this sounds like one of them for you, where one feels anxious either way. Maybe Salem Witch Child is onto something. Surrender and let the Universe decide? Whatever you decide, I wish peace even above clarity.

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    1. Thank you, Siddaleah. Peace and clarity definitely sound like good goals :)

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  3. This is a beautiful post, Kerry!

    Such sweetness, thoughtfulness and vulnerability.

    I know how important this is to you and how nervous you must be. I love this card for your reading, and honestly I am glad that you are trying again. Part of me really wishes I was able to and had not given up so soon. I will be sending out healthiest and best wishes for you in this.

    Pig outs are inevitable and I say let it lie. I do think it's helpful that you decided to do a reading about the pig out. Sometimes I stop and notice why I do certain things and it sometimes surprises me how intense my emotions are. It's good to examine these things and bring them into the light.

    Big hugs,
    MM

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    1. That was such a tough call for you, MM! Sorry to hear that you still worry over it, though I can certainly understand it.

      As for pig-outs, as you say, it's good to try to stop and notice the reason why, rather than just getting down on ourselves for it.

      Huge hugs,
      Kerry

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  4. Hugs to you, Kerry. I wonder if you've ever considered adopting. It is worth thinking about. You don't have to reply to this comment; it really may be overstepping my bounds to even mention it.

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    1. Not overstepping at all :) It is something we've considered, and may consider again depending on how things go. Overall, though, adoption adds a whole 'nother layer of difficulty to an already difficult situation...

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