Monday, 1 July 2013

Another Dream-Inspired Reading

On Saturday, I drew three cards from the Mystical Kipper (Königsfurt-Urania, 2007) to look at what to expect on Sunday, when we had my parent's 10th Wedding Anniversary party to attend.  I got:

A False Person, A Long Way, A Pleasant Letter.
Before the party, I thought this might be about me telling some fibs, given we've a few Christian fundamentalist in the family.  Also, us having to travel a lot, and it being overall a nice invitation to have received anyhow.

After the party, my take on the first card was rather different.  I didn't really hold back, even with the Christian family members.  However, several people said what a wonderful mother I was, and that made me feel like a total fake!

It's not that I wasn't behaving with my son exactly the way I would have at home.  Rather, it's that I know all the less-than-charitable thoughts I've been having about him recently, given the lack of sleep and all the worries about surgeries and health generally.  Sometimes, I really wish I didn't have to cope with all of this, and I don't "get" what I should be learning from this life lesson :(

Tierney Sadler wrote last week about deity being absolute love, so that we can never have offended deity, nor be in spirit's bad graces through some perceived human infraction.  Yet, I sometimes feel like this life is a trial, and I don't get why I need to suffer this.  Still, Tierney suggests that everything happens to our benefit, and so I ask again, what is the benefit in my son suffering so horribly, and us along with him?  This is one of the reason's as a child that I couldn't believe in the Christian God - what loving God would make children starve to death all over the world?

Coming to paganism, I found more of a sense of the overall lovingness of the Universe, without the idea of a specific deity who is all-seeing, all-knowing, and still allows such pain and suffering.  The notion that overall the Universe is a loving place, a source of creativity.  Yet, also that we have to make our own way in it, and that life is not necessarily good or bad.  Just that we may enjoy it more or less, but that is up to us and our attitude to what we experience, with an emphasis on buddhist non-attachment.  And still, on days like the last few, I question, how can a loving Universe create such a horrible situation?

Then, last night, I had a really powerful dream.  One of those ones where you wake up and remember almost everything, but also where the emotions are really strong.  Even now, after two more naps, I remember it.  I'll not bore you with the whole thing, but the relevant bit for my reading this morning is that walking at Lisa Frideborg Lloyd's side down a corridor, I could hear angelic voices.  I walked on around a corner without her to avoid someone nasty who had tried to steal some herbs Lisa offered me, but then I couldn't hear the angels any more.  So, I went back to Lisa, and was able to pinpoint the angel's voices and listen to their golden singing.

I generally take the Gestalt therapy approach to dreams, seeing in each person or object an aspect of myself.  Here, then, it made me wonder: what aspect of Lisa do I need to emulate in order to be able to connect with deity directly?  And, what message are the angels trying to send me?  Writing this now, I wonder whether I should also have drawn a card about the "nasty" person and their role, but I didn't...  Instead, I drew two cards from the Oracle of the Mermaids (Blue Angel, 2013).

Oracle of the Mermaids
What aspect of Lisa do I need to emulate in order to be able to connect with deity at this time?  Receptivity

So, I need to allow myself to be more open to messages from spirit, like I have been with this dream.  I love the look of the bird carrying a little gift to the mermaid.   That says something to me about the gifts and messages I can find in nature, and also in song.  So, more chanting for me ;)

I also note the juxtaposition of the watery mermaid and the bird in flight.  How can I bring a more emotional approach to the messages I receive?  I know I tend to be somewhat Swords-y, rather mental and logical, and that is certainly not the most receptive of outlooks...

Oracle of the Mermaids
What message do I need to hear?  Yearning

This one is far harder for me to interpret.  The first thing I see is my own yearning for a more "perfect" or joyful life.  Kinda Five of Cups-y, and definitely what my last new moon reading warned me against!  Longing for the impossible is not going to make it happen, it's just going to stop me from dealing with what is and finding the beauty in life and my connection with deity.

I also see a message that there is a yearning in me to connect with the divine, which is obvious in my questioning and in my dream. Perhaps this says something about what I seek in that connection: a sense of homecoming, a safe port in the storm of life.

Maybe, too, something about the polarities within ourselves, as well as the world.  Although I know these things aren't absolutes, there is still a human perception of the separation of male and female, mermaid and human, earth and water.  In fact, ultimately, all matter is energy, it is all the same at a base level.  Which returns me to spirit as a single thing, undivided.  Yet, it also says that spirit is not good or bad, not love or hate: it just is.  So, perhaps I have also been idealising spirit.  Spirit is life, and connection.  That includes love, but is not limited to it.  Perhaps, after all, I need to redefine my notion of deity.

To come back to the beginning, after the dream and my Oracle of the Mermaids reading, I see the Mystical Kipper reading in a different light.  Yes, I felt like a fake, it was a long way to the party, and I had fun for the most part.  Yet, I also read these cards as saying that relinquishing my false Self is a long journey, the journey of a lifetime, and that listening to such messages from spirit as I received through my dream is a step on that path.

4 comments:

  1. You are not a total fake, or any kind of a fake. Every mother feels a certain resentment toward her children -- if she says she doesn't, she is lying to everyone, including herself! When mine was a child, I would find myself wondering what life would be like if he had not been born. That's not unusual. You have been through so much and you are allowed to have whatever thoughts and emotions you have, and having them does not make you a fake. Denying them would make you a fake. I applaud you. You go through more in a single day than some people do in 20 years. And yet every day you get up and do it again. Girl, you are a hero.

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    1. Thank you for the support, even if I'm not sure I quite agree. Surely, I am a fake because I pretend, at least with others, that only the good side is there? Though I guess that most people don't really want to know the full story... It's good to be able to share it here!

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  2. Wow, thanks for sharing! I agree with Eowyn and I think that you know, deep down, that having negative feelings due to the sheer immensity of the struggle in no way makes you a bad mother. We all go through it - especially when we are sleep-deprived and I have no idea how hard it must be to be the mother of a child who is suffering chronic ill health.

    As for the dream, I feel the cards are apt. Yearning takes us on a journey of creativity from prose into the lyrical domain... the domain of Angelic Choirs. Pain often propels us there too (I sometimes feel pain and yearning are the same). We can't find logical meaning in suffering but we can give the suffering meaning through creative expression.

    And then, in the midst of the most terrible hardships, such beauty is revealed... Stunning beauty that could not have been born without the soul entering the Dark Night of pain. This beauty is the only treasure I claim for myself and now that I have accepted this, I find that I am happy most of the time.



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    1. Very interesting perspective on pain and yearning, Lisa, thank you! Giving the suffering meaning through creative expression is definitely something I can get behind :)

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