Friday, 29 November 2013

Kali Sadhana Day 10

Last night, my DH was out, so I took the time to do a little reading asking what I needed to know about this sadhana to Kali:


The cards are from the Isis Marseille, created by Tadahiro Onuma and based on the 1760 Conver tarot deck.  I decided, as I was using an old-fashioned deck, to go with a no-layout spread.

Ha, Alison of This Game of Thrones would love this reading: 3 Court cards!  So, what do they say to me about this Kali sadhana?  The Knight of Pentacles reminds me that this is a 21-day "disciplined and dedicated practice".  It will take a bit of stick-to-it-ness.  The Page of Cups says that it is also a way of exploring emotions, particularly fears.  After all, the Page, as opposed to the Queen, isn't really very aware of his emotions yet, nor able to deal with them, so he represents especially emotions we aren't as used to dealing with.  And the Knight of Swords is all charging in with sword swinging, good for slaying those demons of destructive habits.  In that sense, these cards represent well what I hope for from this practice.

Looking at their positioning, the Knight of Pentacles rides calmly towards the other two, and to the right, direction of the future.  The dedicated practice must continue steadily onward, no matter what it comes up against.  Meanwhile, the other two Courts are facing to the left, towards the past.  These are past emotions, demons from the past, which the sadhana is designed to help with.  And if I stick with it, hopefully the Knight of Pentacles will eventually get by these two, and continue onward.

With that perseverance in mind, I went up and called my circle.  After practising yoga for over 35 minutes, I sat to chant and meditate.   This time, the fears that came up were around not being a good enough mother.  My son is severely disabled, and I get a lot of help with him.  Sometimes, though, I feel guilty for not taking care of him myself all the time.  Partly, it's a financial question - two salaries are normally necessary to pay the bills here in London.  Partly, too, there is a part where I am afraid I might come to hate him if I had to care for him all the time.  That part makes me cry.

These are fears I need to come to terms with, too.  And being pregnant again brings these questions of motherhood to the fore.  I hope that I get the balance more or less right - like yoga, it is a dynamic equilibrium, different every day.

5 comments:

  1. I can understand these feelings so good. I had these same thoughts, but now my husband has been taken care of I can concentrate more on how to relate to him instead of being mentally and physical exhausted and blame him for that which makes me feel guilty in return. And then you have that vicious cycle.
    Just as we've said to Siddaleah: you are the best mother if you look after yourself and let go of that f*ckin' guilt. And I do know it's more easy to tell this to some one else....:D
    Hugs

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    1. Thanks, Ellen. It helps to hear it from others who have had similar experiences :)

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  2. My child did not have special needs, but I put her in a three-day-a-week "Mother's Morning Out" preschool program when she was 2. At first I felt terribly guilty because I thought I was being selfish. But then I realized when I take time for myself (even work), I have much more patience and love to spread around to others.

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  3. Keep affirming your love and strength. You're doing great. It's natural for you to be nervous but I hope you can trust yourself. <3 XOX

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