Sunday, 24 November 2013

Kali Sadhana Day 5

The Goddess Oracle
This morning I was pretty exhausted, having only had 5 hours sleep.  So, I didn't do a yoga practice, but just called my circle, stated my affirmations for change, chanted a mala of Om Krim Kalikaye Namaha with my new rudrakasha mala - you are such an enabler, Eowyn ;) - and sat for a bit meditating on my fears.  What came up for me were some of my fears about having another baby.

With my son, everything seemed fine until the labour, and then lots of things went wrong.  The doctor who gave us his (dire) prognosis, put the blame on all sorts of things, from me having drunk too much water during labour, to an infection my son caught from me on the way out (not something they'd tested for, despite a barrage of blood samples).  Of course, it's also possible that he was already not all that strong, as he was born very small (2.66 kilos - 5.8 pounds).  Anyhow, I pulled a card from the Oracle of the Shapeshifters (2013 U.S. Edition, not that you can tell from this card).  My question was, "What should I know about facing my fears today?"

Certainly, my first impression of "Bats in the Belfry: You can achieve great things" is pretty positive: I can make strides in conquering my fears.  Looking a little deeper, I see a couple of useful messages.

The first is to get some perspective, an overview, on these fears.  I see in this a suggestion to ask my current gynaecologist about some of these anxieties, and what he would recommend in various circumstances.  I've already got a lot more information now than when my son was born, from various doctors and other parents of special needs children.  However, getting the opinion of the person I've chosen to help me through this labour seems sensible.  I think I haven't asked some of these things as I hadn't really thought about such specifics.

Secondly, the bats make me think about steering a course using different senses.  That says to me that, when it comes down to it, the best source of information is myself and my intuition.  I am the only one who will be actually giving birth.  This is very relevant, as for example with the question of having drunk too much water during labour, both my midwife and my DH kept on telling me to drink.  I didn't stop to check in whether I actually wanted to, I just assumed that they knew best.  Hopefully, regular meditation will have helped me become more mindful since then...

UPDATE:  After a nap, I went back to my altar and practised yoga while silently chanting to Kali.  4 A's, 4 dancing warriors, and some standing and seated poses.  Total 23 minutes.

6 comments:

  1. My dear Kerry the main thing is that you feel at ease and in control. This bat girl certainly is.
    Perhaps to overly concerned ,from my side but have you thought about a c-section so you can rule out some of the risks of a natural birth.

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    1. After reading around it, I'd rather go natural if at all possible. After all, a c-section may make things easier for the doctor, but it is still invasive surgery, with all the inherent risks of anaesthetics and infections. Plus, there is evidence of hormonal and sensory benefits for both mother and baby from a natural birth. As you can see, it's something I've thought about quite a lot :)

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  2. The "bats in the belfry" are a good analogy for my crazy, erratic thoughts when I am swimming in fear. While our thoughts can mislead us, I think the body rarely lies. Definitely get all the information you can, but trust what your body tells you. Gentle hugs to you and your little one.

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    1. Thank you, tst! That's a very good point, and a good reminder :)

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  3. Kerry, please try not to overthink. You are not to blame for the first birth, and I am believing with you with all my heart that this second birth will go smoothly. x

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    1. Thank you, Eowyn, that means a lot! :) Kx

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