Saturday, 16 November 2013

Vigilance

This morning, I sat at my altar for the first time since Monday.  I had meditated a couple of other days, but on the move.  I chanted Om Gum Ganapataye Namaha - a chant to my favourite God: Ganesha.  And I chose a card from the Way of the Horse (New World Library, 2007).

As soon as I'd drawn it I rolled my eyes and thought: "Oh, no!" - a sure fire sign that it's a message that is relevant to me ;)  The card's title (I wrote them on the cards, at Eowyn's suggestion), is Vigilance.  And you can certainly see that in this horse, with ears pricked and nostrils flared, eyes wide open, trying to pick up as much information as possible.

The idea of vigilance, though, just makes me feel tired.   One of my problems sleeping is that I've spent years now startling awake with my son, worried he's in pain, throwing up, or unable to breathe.  The adrenaline rush then makes it hard to get back to sleep.  More recently, regular respite nights and taking 5-HTP have helped with that.

Then, there's the fact of having to be vigilant when with my son.  He has no save reflex, so when running around or even just sitting, there is a level of attention that always needs to be there.  Just this morning, before going up to meditate, he'd been sitting on my lap and tried to turn too quickly.  I caught him part way down, but not before he'd struck his head a glancing blow on the coffee table.  It wasn't a bad knock, but did get my adrenaline flowing again.  Not just worrying about his pain in the moment, but also whether it would be enough to trigger painful spasms (which it doesn't seem to have).  This constant vigilance in his presence is wearing, and one reason I'm so grateful he goes to school and loves it there.

And so this card reminds me that a degree of vigilance is necessary for survival, but that over vigilance leads to problems.  I guess this is a balance I still need to work on...

6 comments:

  1. I don't blame you! Vigilance is a tense concept. I hate that feeling too. Ahhh well. I am glad your son loves school. I am glad my daughter seems to also like it.

    Hugs and happy full moon!!!

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    1. Yes, I'm sure you must have experienced it a lot with P and her seizures! That may be part of the reason your sleep is still disrupted now… Glad things are going well for both of them at school :D

      Oh yes, happy full moon to you, too, and lots of hugs!

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    2. Yes...absolutely. It's a terrible feeling, and I still experience it from time to time. I hope in time it wanes more and more. I remember waking up every 20 minutes freaking out and checking on her. Oye vey. I hope you are having a decent day. :)

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    3. Have you tried taking 5-HTP? It's not all that expensive, and I've found it really helps with that :)

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  2. When others can take over to be vigilant you can have some quiet time for yourself. And I would suggest a deck of cards without stressing messages for the time being! :D

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    1. Yes, it takes a while to really believe that someone else will be there. As for a non-stressful deck, the strangest things can stress us. After all, I thought this horse deck would be nice and mellow ;)

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