Thursday, 5 December 2013

Kali Sadhana Day 16

Today, I struggled a little to work up the enthusiasm to get changed and go up to my altar space.  Partly, I think it was due to the cold: the idea of working up a cardio sweat was far more appealing.  In the end, I told myself I could just do a few sun salutes and chant a mala of Jai Kali Ma instead of Om Krim Kalikaye Namaha, then go do some "proper" exercise.  As so often, though, once I'd started I got into it, and practised for 30 minutes before chanting the longer set.

After the moving meditation and before closing my eyes to sit, I drew a card from the Oracle of the Shapeshifters (Beyond Words, 2013). In the past, I've always seen this card in a positive light, saying I have the ability to protect myself when needed.  While I still see that, I also wondered if it can be a bad thing sometimes.  It could suggest being overly defensive, quick to see attacks where there perhaps are none. 

I think this came up because I'd just been to visit a regular nursery.  It feels difficult to me sometimes, being around parents of regular kids and their conversations and expectations.  "Oh, eleven months, is she walking yet?", "What was her first word?", "Does he still believe in Father Christmas?"  To others, these seem such ordinary questions. 

In some ways, today was easier than it might have been as, when asked, I said my first child was six, well out of the nursery bracket, and they could tell at a glance that the next one is on its way.  Still, I felt uncomfortable with the other parents.  And I also wondered what it'll be like for this second child, with a brother that kids on the street often stop and stare at.

So, maybe I am feeling overly defensive, different and out of place.  Maybe, too, it's good to think about how it will be for each of my sons, having the other as a brother.  Some of it will be taken for granted, this is their family.  Other bits may not be as simple.  And hopefully, I can be sensitive to both their sets of needs, and help them cope with having such a different brother.


  1. Before I had my second child I wondered how I could love her equally as much as my first. And how could I share my love between them. The moment she was born I knew I didn't have to share my love between them. My love had doubled instantly. I couldn't have imagined this feeling before she was born. And so will all you doubts and insecurities be solved in due time. Please don't try to analyze this yet. trust your boys and trust Love

  2. I only had one child, but I remember my ex-mother-in-law saying that you love each child differently. That makes perfect sense as each child is another human being, and of course we do love each individual person we know differently.

    I believe you will cope brilliantly with the challenges of being a mother to two different boys.

  3. Kerry is there a support group in your area that might help you feel not so alone in all this? I would be willing to bet that at least one of those families at the nursery are dealing with the same challenges as you. (((Kerry)))