Saturday, 29 June 2013

Messages

This morning, I just chanted 108 rounds to Dhanvantari.  Partly because I didn't have much time, and the chant to Tara takes longer, and partly because after yesterday's news about my son needing two surgeries, we could all do with as much healing as possible.

I also decided to draw three cards to look at a focus for today, with the intention that I receive a message about both a spiritual and a more mundane focus.  However, when I opened my eyes I saw I'd actually drawn doubles in two positions, so I ended up with a line of five.  Here they are from the Mystical Lenormand (Königsfurt-Urania, 2004):

Dog, Rider, Snake, Man, Fish.
At a mundane level, I see that there is a message from a friend that requires me to keep strong boundaries and stay very rational when taking part in exchanges.  That's all about my ex and our current email exchange.  Just as background, we still work together, kind of.  In different branches of the same company, so sometimes we have to meet to talk business.  And I do still think he's a fascinating person, just so glad I'm not with him any more.  Anyhow...  So, stay clear and rational, watch out for emotions, and keep exchanges business-like, sounds like good advice.

At a more spiritual level, I see that there are messages from a friend (the deck), about how to let go (shedding something we've outgrown is a meaning of the Snake given by both Fiechter and Jösten) of a man, and go with the flow of life now.  Okay, so that's still about my ex, lol.  Seriously, though, I think it's more far-reaching than that.  I've been noticing over the last few days the way in which some of my responses, both to the friends who asked for an investment and to my ex, are conditioned.  That I have an old tape that says I must be loyal and take responsibility for others.  And that's just not true.  These are grown-ups, they can take care of themselves.  So, I have to let go of that tape, let go of that responsibility, so that I can learn to swim in the river I'm in now.

Thursday, 27 June 2013

Moral Dilemma

I've been struggling with a moral dilemma the last couple of days.  So today, after my meditation (54 rounds of Om Shree Dhanvantre Namaha, 54 rounds of Om Tare Tuttare Ture Svaha), I decided to do a reading on it.  The cards responded beautifully, shown here with the Mystical Lenormand (Königsfurt-Urania, 2004).


The theme of the reading, according to the corner cards, is arguments about money (Fish and Whips), and the eating away of a friendship (Mice and Dog).  Well, that was spot on for starters!  The friends I mentioned in my post about Yemaya, who are expecting their fourth child, have asked me to invest in a business venture that I don't see much hope for.  So, I'm torn.  Should I support my friends, or follow my own money savvy?


At the heart of this reading is the Clover.  So, there's something here about timing, synchronicity, and luck.  One thing is that the timing sucks.  I've just had some nasty additional bills, which are making me extra cautious about how I spend my money.  On top of that, there is a little bit of me that resents them because of the ease with which they've been popping out kids (luck?), and asking me at a time when I'm already feeling stressed and vulnerable around my own fertility hasn't made me any more kindly inclined to them.

What answer, then, do the cards suggest?  Well, they say that a decision needs to be made (Paths), that requires me to be strong (Bear) in the face of difficulties, and what may be a long, hard road (Mountain).  Underlying it all is the Heart, so I need to listen to my heart in this.

One of the issues is that I feel that I should support them because of our friendship, yet that isn't a simple equation.  Investing in a friend's business, like giving them a loan, can lead to all kinds of complications, and undermine the friendship in different ways to a straight-up "No."  Overall, my heart tells me that getting more closely involved with them at this time when I already feel somewhat resentful is a recipe for disaster.  And though it may make the friendship feel like a struggle for a while, I risk losing it either way.  So, I need to take care of my own money choices, and of my own emotions. The rest will sort itself out in the long run.

Wednesday, 26 June 2013

Back to Tara

In my meditation last night, I chanted to Yemaya and felt quite moved by the experience.  I don't think I'm done with that yet, there is still a lot of emotion there.  Today, though, I hadn't had anywhere near enough sleep when I sat to meditate, so I decided to leave such a precarious area to one side.  Instead, I chanted while tangling, and finished up this piece dedicated to Tara which I had started last week.

I find it interesting, meditating while tangling.  The chant helps me focus my intent, and I sink into the patterns.  My mind still whirs around a bit, but having tangible foci, in both the chanting and the paper, helps to bring me back to my purpose again and again.  As I chanted, I focused on compassion, something I'm feeling in need of right now.

Another part of why I think I overate on Sunday was about having seen a friend on Saturday who is pregnant with number four.  Whereas I've had four pregnancies, and only one has been even semi-successful.  Yet here she is, having a baby that she'll be hard-pressed to take care of financially.  At least it will be surrounded by family, and the eldest kids are old enough to help out.

And I guess that's another big difference: my eldest is still as much of a burden as a two year old, despite being five and a half.  Having a sibling would be good for him in many ways, but he won't ever be able to help out with them.  Rather, I often feel guilty at thinking about bringing a child into the world knowing they will have to help their elder brother out, with all the stigma of having a disabled sibling, and other children perhaps making hurtful comments.

Ah well, it hasn't happened yet, and may not happen.  Dear Tara, bring me compassion for others, and for myself.

Tuesday, 25 June 2013

Yemaya

This morning, after last night's terrible pig-out, I decided I should pull a card to look at why I went into binge-mode.  For such an emotional question, I decided to use the Oracle of the Mermaids (Blue Angel, 2013).  As I was shuffling the deck, a card fell out.  My first response was to think, "Oh, no!" and shove it back in the deck.  However, the very strength of my response made me stop and draw the card out again, taking a closer look.

In Yemaya we see a beautiful mermaid with a baby, around which she curls protectively.  She looks calm, at peace with her child, and the two of them float in a purple ocean, surrounded by bright lights. Now, Yemaya is an aspect of Goddess I have often chanted to, and whom I have had on my altar at various times.  So, how come I responded so negatively to this depiction of her?

Since last October, I've lost two babies.  Now, my DH and I are trying again.  However, I'm not sure I'm really ready.  We were told that the first six months after a pregnancy are a particularly fertile time, and seeing as it's now four months since I last lost a child, it feels like my window of opportunity is closing.  So, I took a pill to encourage double ovulation during my last period, to try to increase our chances.  Yet, fundamentally, I still feel very torn about getting pregnant again, and even about what it would mean to have another child.

Do I really want another child?  Am I willing to go through another pregnancy that may not work out?  Should I just accept that I'm getting kinda old for this kind of thing and give up?

My DH is a wonderful father, and would really like another child.  My son has a lot of issues, but loves having other kids around, and could do with a sibling to look after him when we're gone.  I know it makes sense to try at least one more time.  However, that doesn't mean that emotionally I feel in the right place for it.

This isn't something that is going to resolve overnight.  What I can do, though, is use this as a reminder to take some time to work through my conflicting emotions.  For today's meditation, and probably for the rest of the week, I shall chant to Yemaya, focus on this image, and see where it takes me...

Sunday, 23 June 2013

Healthy Instincts?

Yesterday was the first day in about nine weeks that I didn't meditate :(  However, I got back to it today, which felt good.  Still doing half a mala chanting to Dhanvantari, and half a mala chanting to Tara.  This time, I tried to visualise their images while I chanted - the ones I now have on my altar.

I also drew some cards for the day.  One card fell out while I was shuffling, so I decided to take that as the theme of the reading.  Here they are from the Mystical Lenormand (Königsfurt-Urania, 2004).


I read this as saying that to calm my worries and anxiety, I need to listen to the messages of my instincts, particularly regarding health.  This is a tough one for me.  Years of doing too much exercise and eating really poorly mean that I spent a long time intentionally not paying attention to what my body and my instincts were telling me.  So, today I tried to be mindful to those messages.  I chose a quite mellow and short workout, and I paid attention to what I was eating.  I also tried to be aware of my posture, which is often poor when I'm with my son - I hunch over him in a protective way that isn't helpful for him or me *doh*

This is probably something I need to work on generally, rather than just for today, so I may keep these cards on my altar for a while.  Today is a good day to start, with the power of the full moon...

Friday, 21 June 2013

Litha Blog Hop

As ever, the Wheel of the Year keeps turning, bringing us to the longest day of the year, the Summer Solstice, sometimes called Litha.  I love this time of year, with long, warm days, and hopefully a bit of sunshine breaking through (though that’s never guaranteed living in the UK).  I also enjoy taking part in the Tarot Blog Hop of which this post is a part.  If you’re following the Hop, you may have popped in from Sharon's wise blog, and I encourage you to keep on hopping with the link at the bottom of this post.  Should you lose your way at any point, you can find directions here.

We were asked to think of something creative we love doing, and so I would like to share with you a quick video showing my new altar set-up.  The creativity of filming and editing these videos, as well as choosing the cards and other decorations and offerings for my altars for the season, continues to delight me.  And this time round, the music is also my creation, courtesy of Garage Band, a chant to the sun as source of enlightenment: the Gayatri Mantra.

Creating sacred space is, for me, a mix of rationality and intuition.  Both of these came into play in choosing my deities at this time: Dhanvantari, Surya (Gods and Goddesses Oracle, Mandala Publishing) and Tara (Goddess Oracle, Marashinsky & Janto, 2006), for healing, giving thanks to the sun, and compassion.  I also chose cards from the Wild Wisdom of the Faery Oracle (Blue Angel, 2005) to represent each of the elements on my faery altar.  And I am keeping the Archangel Gabriel (Archangel Oracle, Hay House, 2004) as a focus for sending energy to my son.  There are also a couple of cards from the Tarot of the Sidhe (Schiffer, 2011) which are from my new moon reading a couple of weeks ago...

With the longest day, and the sun high in the sky, the colours for this time are warm and fiery - yellows, reds and oranges.  And in choosing crystals for my altars, I was guided by Christine Jette's suggestions in Tarot for All Seasons (Llewellyn, 2001).  So, there is citrine, amber, red jasper, and tiger's eye, amongst others. 

I’d love to hear how you create sacred space, and invite you to hop on over to Joanne's ever-inventive blog for more creative inspiration.

Monday, 17 June 2013

Spiritual Support

Today, while preparing for my meditation, I started wondering when I will change chants, and how to keep these ones feeling vibrant while I still feel called to them.  Given my son's health issues are currently pretty severe, I don't feel inclined to stop chanting for healing, and as I say, Tara was suggested to me as a deity in his pantheon at birth.  I guess, when I feel called to change them I will, but for the moment, although the 21 days is long over (now passed 28, I think), I shall stick with them.

I continued with visualising golden light while chanting to Dhanvantari.  And with the chant to Tara I visualised her image from the Goddess Oracle, and also a lotus blooming.  My thoughts slid to the next zentangle I want to do for her, and although visualising that was okay, when it degenerated into thinking about needing to get some different paper and how to take some tangle ideas with me on my trip this week, I firmly drew my straying thoughts back to Tara.


And that trip is what I see in today's cards.  Don't know why I felt drawn to the Mystical Kipper (AGMüller-Urania, 2006) for a change, but there you are.  These are: Military Person, A Journey, and Worries and Difficulties.

So, I need to be organised, regimented even, in my preparations for this trip.  No getting distracted by blogs or Facebook ;)  Have to make sure I have all I need with me, including a good attitude.  And though there may be worries and difficulties, I love the reminder in the last card that spirit is always with us, if we just think to open our eyes to it.  I shall remember that deity is love, feel myself enfolded in her embrace, and trust that she will watch over my family while I am gone.

Probably won't blog on here again til Thursday or Friday, as my internet over there is always very spotty.  See y'all later in the week :)

Sunday, 16 June 2013

Written Surprises

Last night, I finished up the zentangle I'd been doing, with lots of inspiration from Tara.  I like how it turned out, though it's not really a zentangle anymore.  The pink bit was inspired by a carpet pattern I saw, the water and lotuses was in honour of Tara, and so are the orange Oms :)  I don't know how people manage to do these things in a half hour, this one took me at least three hours!  Still, it was enjoyable and meditative doing it, and I chanted to Tara whenever I remembered...

In my meditation, I chanted to Dhanvantari and Tara again, though I found it quite hard to picture my son enfolded by golden light - it's often like I can only imagine him if I can visualise a photo, rather than the living, breathing boy.  During the chanting to Tara, I thought about another zentangle I would like to do dedicated to her...

This morning, I drew a line of five before breakfast, asking for a spiritual focus.  Here they are from the Mystical Lenormand (Königsfurt-Urania, 2004): Book, Fish, Letter, Man, Clover.


The message I saw in these cards was to allow a flow of writing on a spiritual project.  That actually getting on with the writing could bring me a small treasure, a new spiritual insight.  So, after breakfast I sat down to do some work, and it's true: the flow of words was easy, and as I wrote I saw a connection I'd never seen before :)

Saturday, 15 June 2013

Health Worries

It's funny, a bit of an irony.  Not having seen my son for 24 hours, I felt sad sending him golden light this morning while chanting to Dhanvantari, the healer.  I cried a little, less over his issues, and more from missing him.  Yet, when I'm with him, it so often feels hard: relentless, frustrating, distressing.  It's probably an attitude adjustment I need, rather than a break... 

Anyway, the chanting to Tara was more uplifting, and reminded me about my desire to paint a lotus.  I haven't yet made my first attempt with acrylics, which I think will be the best medium for it given my low skill level.  And I don't have that stuff with me this weekend.  Instead, I incorporated a small lotus bit into a zentangle I started on yesterday, and that was also quite enjoyable.

I drew three cards, shown here on an orange silk cushion, from the Mystical Lenormand (Königsfurt-Urania, 2004): Tree, Birds, Mountain.

I read this as my worries over my son's health need to stop.  They are a mountain for another day, they're not going away.  But spoiling my own health by worrying about his is not productive, especially when I have a little time away to rest and relax.  So, time to de-stress, do some yoga, and get a massage :)

Friday, 14 June 2013

Walking Meditation

Earlier this week, Eowyn talked about doing a walking meditation.  As I wanted to get out bright and early to take some photos for a charity project I'm involved with, I decided that would be a good way to go.  So, with mala beads in hand, I walked through the local heath, chanting in my head.  First to Dhanvantari, then to Tara.  I didn't do visualisations, but focused on the pace of my chanting and walking, and on being open to the beauty and sounds around me.

When I reached where I wanted to take the photos, I stopped and focused on that.  Then, on my way back home, I chanted in my head, but stopped to take some more pics.  It was a lovely way to start the morning, and I went back to bed after and slept a little, though with unpleasant dreams.  I've been meditating daily for about eight weeks now, and can't say I've noticed an improvement in my sleep quality or duration.  Good thing that's not the only reason I meditate!

I love the vibrancy of this copper tree (not sure it's a beech).  Sadly, you can't really make out the bee in the top of the two small photos, but I was glad to see it!  And then, a bit of the beauty of life finding a place for itself in even the tiniest nook :)

Thursday, 13 June 2013

Impingement

Though I haven't been posting, and despite finishing my 21 day sadhana chanting Om Shree Dhanvantre Namaha on Sunday, I have continued to chant this and Om Tare Tuttare Ture Svaha daily. I've tried to keep to the visualisation of my son surrounded by light for the Dhanvantre, and have moved to visualising the Goddess Oracle version of Tara during her chant.  This morning I also did three rounds of kappalabhati breathing, 70, 80 and 100 cycles, which felt good.

As for today's cards, shown here from the Mystical Lenormand (Königsfurt-Urania, 2004), I asked for a spiritual focus, but got something a little different or more - practical and spiritual.



How I read these is that my core issue today will be feeling impinged on at home (Man, House).  First we have some workmen coming in, because there have been issues with our guttering.  Then we have someone staying the night for my son's sake, but whom I don't know all that well.  Responding to what feels quite stressful, one typical pattern for me would be emotional eating (Moon, Bear).  However, what I see recommended is that I instead retreat into myself, possibly into work, and then later some crafty pursuit, to distract me (Woman, Tower).  I always find doing something craft-based also a great way to connect with spirit and feel in the moment.  So, I shall try to follow this advice, seeing as I've been doing okay the last few days in terms of eating, and wouldn't want to spoil it.

Wednesday, 12 June 2013

Follow My Leader

Okay, I've decided to follow the lead of Siddaleah with her Project Me, and Eowyn with her Willowy Me.  I've started a blog on my health and weight loss goals, to try to bring some accountability and community support to this.  You can find me at Healthy Wholeness.  I know, not the most inspired name, but so many are taken...

Sunday, 9 June 2013

Gemini New Moon Reading

I've been really enjoying the practice of doing a reading for each new moon!  So, with the new moon in Gemini, my natal month, I gave it another go.  After another chant meditation in which I visualised my son surrounded by a golden light, I drew two cards to look at what I need to release, and what I should embrace during this lunation.  The deck used, once again, is the wondrous Tarot of the Sidhe (Schiffer, 2011) by Emily Carding.

What I need to release:  The Sun

This card certainly chimes with my last new moon reading, where I was told to embrace Winter's Bite (Maker Five from the Tarot of the Sidhe).  When I looked at this card, I started hearing an Alanis Morissette song in my head, Utopia.  What I need to let go of is a utopian idea of what happiness should look like.  

This makes me think of a CBT technique in which you're supposed to think about what things would be like if you achieved something you are working towards, to picture it in detail.  How would you know if you had made it?  For me, though, it's that I need to let go of that image, that picture of what my family should be, how I should be, what happiness is.  And that's a hard one!  

I'm not sure what to do to be able to let go.  Should I do a ritual, cast a spell, visualise being happy in a future where my son is still ill, I can never sleep, and I can't go back to work because he's always getting ill and needs me home?  Bah!


What I should embrace: Dancer Three - Jubilance.

Well, okay, there's an answer to my questions!  What I should do is embrace the small joys in life; the friends around me, the feel of the sun on my face, the pretty colours, the stars and the rain.  Once again, it's one of those answers that I already know, but that never seems that easy.  Just embrace the present moment, appreciate the joys of the everyday, yadda yadda.  How do I actually do that?  Do I write a reminder to myself that will pop up on my phone every hour "Be In The Moment", and another on the half hour "Seek Joy!".  Well, maybe that isn't such a crazy-a**e idea...

Okay, I decided to draw a line of five on this, and the Mystical Lenormand (Königsfurt-Urania, 2004) cards are: Woman, Paths, Birds, Sun, Fish.



Ha, that's gotta be some kind of irony: the Sun being in my Lenormand line, too!  Anyhow, what I see here is a need to talk things through, to try to make some choices (Paths).  Perhaps, too, that every step we take in life is a choice: a choice to remain isolated (Woman), or to talk (Birds).  And that happiness will be found in the flow of the everyday, in exchanges with others (Sun, Fish).  This, together with the Dancer Three card, highlights the importance of being able to communicate with friends.  I've been doing a fair bit of that, between this blog and meeting up with two friends in the last two day.  I guess I'll just have to make it a priority for the whole of this lunation :)

Friday, 7 June 2013

Of Angels and Endings

Yesterday's session with my therapist was really useful, as were the comments of friends here on the blog.  One thing I discussed with my therapist was the buddhist saying that pain is universal but suffering is optional.  I felt that I was allowing myself to suffer, showing a lack of spiritual attunement.  However, he suggested that maybe it was a question of semantics, and I was experiencing emotional pain, still pain.  Which fits well with what Eowyn and Siddaleah said about feeling my feelings.  Still, I wonder whether dwelling on my pain is a way I cause myself suffering.

In today's meditation, then, with each mala I decided to focus not on my son's ills, but rather on visualising him in different settings, surrounded by an angelic golden light  (like in the Nurture image from Doreen Virtue's Archangel cards that I have on my altar).  My son at school, bathed in light.  My son in bed, bathed in golden light.  My son on the school bus, bathed in light.  My son in my arms, bathed in love.  Felt pretty good, and I didn't end up blubbing :D

As for the reading, I started drawing cards, thinking I'd do a line of five.  However, after I'd done three I just spontaneously decided to draw a fourth as a theme, as I had yesterday.  Here they are from the Mystical Lenormand (Königsfurt-Urania, 2004).

Theme: Lily - peace.
Reading: Book, Birds, Coffin.

How I read this is that in order to find a greater sense of peace, I need to have a conversation about secrets that will bring some closure.  Looking closer, anxious secrets are coming to an end, through talking with a fellow student.  This fits with the fact that I am meeting a friend from a course I took a while back for lunch today, and suggests I open up to her about some of what has happened since last we met.  She's very open to talking about emotional things (we met on a counselling training), and has also had issues around food, body image, and pregnancy.  I hope, then, that it will bring us both some peace!

Thursday, 6 June 2013

Of Lotuses and Keys

Over the last few days, I've tried to visualise all the health troubles of my son while chanting Om Shree Dhanvantre Namaha, to ask for healing for those.  Before that, I had often prayed for healing for a different person with each repetition, but I felt he needed extra prayers this week, as he's been ill again.  Then, with the rounds of Om Tare Tuttare Ture Svaha, I tried to stick to visualising the petals of a lotus opening at my heart chakra.  Ability to stick with the visualisations has been spotty.  In part, focusing on my son's ills so much had me in tears again this morning, though as I said before, maybe that's part of my healing...  The heart chakra lotus visualisation went better, and I felt a little more expansive at the end of it, and noticed I was less hunched over, too :)

Anyhow, here is an image of my first sketch for the lotus I'm going to paint for Tara.  I decided to go for a pink lotus, as that is the colour for Green Tara, and the colours green and pink are also both associated with the heart chakra.  I hope I'll have some time this weekend to start experimenting with acrylic paints to fill this out...

As for cards, I intended to draw three cards, but a fourth came out, too, so I turned it over as a theme card, which worked really well!  Here are the equivalent cards from the Mystical Lenormand (Königsfurt-Urania, 2004).

Theme: Owls - wise conversation.

Reading: Key, Man, Rider.  I read this two ways.  More traditionally, a message from a man is key.  More empoweringly, it is key to act on the messages I receive.

Two things pop out for me with this.  Firstly, I'll be seeing my therapist this afternoon (wise conversation), for the first time in 16 days, and he often really helps me clarify things (man with a key message).   

Secondly, I've been having an online conversation with James Ricklef recently about the nature of God and the meaning of life.  I've felt a bit down, particularly with one pithy tarot meaning he gave about our life reflecting our image of God.  I wondered whether that said something about me having internalised some of the Christian vengeful God stuff, as the health issues my son has sometimes feel like a punishment.  James said his intention was always to be empowering, and reminded me that the Dalai Lama said his greatest teacher had been Chairman Mao, as he taught him so much about the virtues of compassion, tolerance and forgiveness.  However, that still left me feeling angry that I sometimes feel so resentful, rather than thanking the universe for giving me this opportunity to be all compassionate and tolerant :/ 

In some ways, I think it's harder when the suffering is not your own.  Despite losing two babies in the last year, I feel I've dealt with the sorrow that entailed.  But watching my son go through pain every day, struggle with each breath he takes at night, and be unable to eat or talk, at the same time as I am always low on sleep, that just feels like torture sometimes.  Not always, there are times I love being with him, and cherish his laughter and cuddles and cheekiness.  Still, there's a big bit of me that feels on occasion that we would all be better off without having to go through so much hardship.  And if all this is to show me just how strong I am, well, I'd rather not have to be so strong.  Even things like thinking that he's unlikely to ever have a girlfriend or boyfriend just seem so unfair.  How does all this show my belief that the universe is a place of love?

Sorry, I'm clearly still a bit down about all this, so excuse the rant.  Hopefully, seeing my therapist will help me come to terms with some of this, at least a little.  And hopefully, I will act on the messages I receive, to make life a little more joyful again, which I know it can be.

Tuesday, 4 June 2013

Clarity

Yesterday, I didn't get round to meditating til after my son was in bed - it had been a long, hard day.  I drew three cards to ask for a spiritual focus, and drew Stars, Ship and Lily.  Here they are from the Mystical Lenormand (Königsfurt-Urania, 2004).



The overarching message I see is that clarity and a plan (Stars) in a spiritual journey or a given venture (Ship) brings peace (Lily).  This applies to several things.  

Firstly, there's the question of meditating itself.  Eowyn talked in a couple of recent posts (here and here) about the monkey mind and troubles staying focused during meditation, as well as her intention to keep her chanting to the same intonation and rhythm.  It wasn't something I'd consciously thought about, but when chanting Om Tare Tuttare Ture Svaha, every now and again I would just chant Om Tare for a couple of mala beads.  I went and checked it out, and Deva Premal does just that on her "Embrace" album.  So, am I naturally throwing them in at a musically appropriate time, or just when my mind wanders?  I decided to try likewise to keep to the full chant for the entire mala, and although there were a couple of times both yesterday and this morning when I almost stopped at Om Tare, I caught myself and completed each repetition.  Will this bring me greater peace?  We'll see... 

Secondly, there is my son's health.  After meditating on these cards yesterday, at dinner my DH and I talked a lot and formulated a plan for different doctors to approach, and what to ask each one.  It feels good to have a plan.  I sometimes worry that I am a bad mother, focusing on other things, not doing as much for him as I could/should.  Perhaps strangely, in my meditation this morning I ended up crying about this.  I normally expect myself to cry more when I'm tired, which I still am.  Maybe I didn't cry yesterday because I was simply too exhausted, whereas today I'm just tired enough to be delicate...  Anyway, I tried to visualise a lotus blossom opening at my heart, filling me and the world with Tara's compassion.  Compassion for my son, myself, my family and friends, people I don't like so much, and the rest of the world.  I had to keep coming back to the visualisation, but I did feel calmer by the end.  Perhaps actually painting the Lily will help with the visualisation...

Finally, there's one of the work projects I've been struggling with because of its size.  Yesterday, I decided to make it a little more tangible (based on my reading on Saturday).  And that actually made it clearer, which I hope will help me to move forward with renewed passion on it.  So, the passion as well as the peace side of the Lily, as I'll feel more relaxed once I get this done.

Saturday, 1 June 2013

Loyalty

This morning, before my meditation, I had already begun chanting: I chanted the Moola Mantra while making breakfast and doing some artwork.  Going back upstairs, I wondered whether to skip my sitting meditation, as I'd already been quite mindful with my chanting.  However, then I remembered what Eowyn wrote earlier this week about the meaning of sadhana.  When I determined to chant Om Shree Dhanvantre Namaha for 21 days, it was as a means to accomplishing healing.  Then I added the chant to Tara to it, intending to do both together.  And it's not good to leave such things unfinished, it's like letting a spell just fizzle out, rather than sending it out into the world!

So, up to my meditation bolster I went, for what is now day 13 of my chant sadhana.  And I didn't regret it: once I got started it flowed beautifully.  The cards, too,from the Mystical Lenormand (Königsfurt-Urania, 2004) reinforced that message!  I asked again how I could best connect with spirit today...


Mice, Moon, Dog, Letter, Anchor.
I read these as saying there's a risk of devotional emotions being undermined, yet this can be counterbalanced by working to tangibly reinforce them.  My first thought was that one thing I might do to reinforce my commitment (as per yesterday's reading), is to create a tangible sign of that devotion.  I plan to paint a lotus, which is a symbol of Tara.  I can't do that today (waiting for supplies from my internet shopping - craft supplies aren't to be found on most high streets anymore, sadly!)  In the meantime, though, this post is a written statement of intent :)

What I also can and will do today is to reaffirm my commitment to a couple of work projects, both of which have a spiritual base to them.  Unfortunately, as the cards point out, my loyalty and emotional commitment to them has been somewhat undermined of late.  One of them is feeling like a slog because it's a very big project, and although I do a bit of work on it most days, it's sometimes hard to see what I'm achieving.  The other I've come to a halt on because of some legal complications, which may or may not apply to it.  Even if they do, there's probably a way to deal with them, but it's just more of a hassle.  Still, I think it's worth doing.  Time to get back to these projects!