Wednesday, 30 April 2014
At the weekend, a comment from Magic Mentha made me think that writing down how poorly I think I'm eating may not be the best way of encouraging better practices. I beat myself up mentally, knowing what I should be doing, but not doing it.
On Saturday, I also got a book I'd ordered on a friend's recommendation. I flicked it open, and landed straight on a page recommending eating following CROND principles: calorie reduced, optimal nutrition diet.
Feeling down on myself for not tapping regularly (EFT) and eating lots of junk, I decided to draw a card on what would help me with my eating at this time. I pulled a card from Les Vampires (Blue Angel, 2014): Rebellion.
At first, it didn't make much sense to me, so I looked in the companion book. One thing that struck me was it talking about being stuck following rules. I felt that was me, making rules about how and when and what I should eat, and about having to write my misdemeanours down. Another part talked about finding and following your own soul's path, and that felt important to me, too. Just trying to follow someone else's idea of a good diet doesn't necessarily take into account where I am right now, physically, mentally and spiritually.
In many ways, this isn't just about food. It's about being a breast-feeding mother, about feeling I have little time for myself or my partner, or for spiritual practices. Though I love my baby, I am also perhaps old and set in my ways. I like blogging and meditating. And though I've been trying to be mindful or chant while with my baby, I miss having time to tidy my altar, light a candle, and chant or enter a card. I miss having two hands free, and being able to blog easily. I'm writing this on my phone while walking round the garden, playing football with my older son and trying to keep the baby asleep in the BabyBjorn, after a case of the five o'clock grizzlies. Feeling a bit trapped, I take solace in food. Not very effective, really, but still...
Coming back to eating and rebellion, I've stopped writing down my food sins. And I'm trying to find how I can be a mother and be myself, as well.