Wednesday, 30 April 2014

Rebellion

Since giving birth, I've been rather exhausted.  Although the new baby is pretty good as these things go, I'm still up 3-6 times a night with him, and often out of bed earlier than I'd like.  In any case, I blame being tired all the time for how poorly I feel I've been eating. 

At the weekend, a comment from Magic Mentha made me think that writing down how poorly I think I'm eating may not be the best way of encouraging better practices.  I beat myself up mentally, knowing what I should be doing, but not doing it. 

On Saturday, I also got a book I'd ordered on a friend's recommendation.  I flicked it open, and landed straight on a page recommending eating following CROND principles: calorie reduced, optimal nutrition diet. 

Feeling down on myself for not tapping regularly (EFT) and eating lots of junk, I decided to draw a card on what would help me with my eating at this time.  I pulled a card from Les Vampires (Blue Angel, 2014): Rebellion. 

At first, it didn't make much sense to me, so I looked in the companion book.  One thing that struck me was it talking about being stuck following rules.  I felt that was me, making rules about how and when and what I should eat, and about having to write my misdemeanours down.  Another part talked about finding and following your own soul's path, and that felt important to me, too.  Just trying to follow someone else's idea of a good diet doesn't necessarily take into account where I am right now, physically, mentally and spiritually. 

In many ways, this isn't just about food.  It's about being a breast-feeding mother, about feeling I have little time for myself or my partner, or for spiritual practices.  Though I love my baby, I am also perhaps old and set in my ways.  I like blogging and meditating.  And though I've been trying to be mindful or chant while with my baby, I miss having time to tidy my altar, light a candle, and chant or enter a card.  I miss having two hands free, and being able to blog easily.  I'm writing this on my phone while walking round the garden, playing football with my older son and trying to keep the baby asleep in the BabyBjorn, after a case of the five o'clock grizzlies.  Feeling a bit trapped, I take solace in food.  Not very effective, really, but still...

Coming back to eating and rebellion, I've stopped writing down my food sins.  And I'm trying to find how I can be a mother and be myself, as well.

12 comments:

  1. Oh my dear Kerry
    How brave of you to just write these honest feelings down That's a start
    No advice from me. You know yourself better than anybody else so just a big hug and I will be supporting you on the other side of the ocean

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    1. Thank you so much, Ellen, that means a lot! Sending you big hugs, too :)

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  2. I love this. I am glad my comment wasn't too offensive. I felt it sprang out of concern for how hard you are on yourself. It's a theme I notice so often in women--particularly in women who need more support, more love, not more criticism and harsh rules! So I love your intuitive guidance on this one. The card does make sense when you describe it like that.

    Having a baby is hard. It brings up a lot of difficult feelings, and the tiredness and constant care needed makes everything especially exhausting. That trapped feeling...yes! I still feel that way with my daughter when she gets especially moody, demanding, cranky...etc. I think it's one of the hardest thing about parenting, and I know your parenting challenges are especially steep.

    SO, I hope you definitely find ways to nurture yourself and be nice to yourself. ;)

    XOOX

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    1. I'm sorry if my first response made you feel your comment was unwelcome! I really appreciate your having said what you did, as it helped me stop and reconsider my knee-jerk response.

      And you're right, having a baby/child is hard, even when it's wonderful. It's such a big change, and a lot of work. I think every mother still faces challenges, even when the kids get older, and especially when they have difficult times. I see that with you and P, and with Ellen and A, and I guess I know it from my mother and myself, too. Just last week, she didn't tell me she was taken into hospital, as she didn't want to worry me, knowing I was struggling a bit. She's accepted now that I would still like to know, even if I might not be able to come and visit and can only send positive, healing thoughts her way. But it shows her "mothering" response, even now when I'm in my forties :D

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    2. Oh, not at all. I just felt bad for saying anything. I know that when people leave constructive comments on my blog sometimes I get a little defensive. But I didn't think you sounded defensive, actually. :D

      I agree! I see my mom doing this with her grown kids, and I can totally understand it. I will probably do the same with my daughter. I am trying to let go but boy is it hard. We need to be easier on ourselves given this monumental task we've been given as mothers. :)

      OXOOXXO

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    3. Ha, well, we took on this mothering task, and now we've got to deal with it, one way or the other. As you say, we should be gentle on ourselves, for our choices, and in our lives :)

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  3. Okay, 50 lashes with a wet spaghetti noodle... Seriously woman, you have a newborn and you're living around his internal clock, so give yourself a break! He won't be little forever, and at some point you'll get more sleep and be able to eat according to the holy food pyramid. For now, how about just trying to fit in one healthy snack or vegetable a day? You remind me so much of a good friend of mine who has a 3 month old and a 3 yr. old. Her boys aren't going to remember her when they're grown as the woman who always made healthy food choices, but as a wonderful, loving mom - same as you my friend. Sending a big hug your way...

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    1. LOL to the wet spaghetti noodle! And thank you for the reminder that my food choices are not the most important thing I am doing or not doing right now. I think I was reminded of that yesterday, when the baby got weighed for the first time since we left hospital. He's gained 2 kilos (4.4 lbs), and gone up the centiles. So, I'm eating to grow a baby, and loving and nurturing him, too :)

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  4. This may not be very helpful, but I have always found it much easier to "add" something to my life rather than "take" something away from it. With that said, you could just add in healthy foods and not worry about taking any junk food away from yourself. In the long run, the healthy snacks will fill you up, leaving you with less cravings for the bad stuff anyhow. :) Therefore, you will be doing what you intended to do without feeling like you are missing out on anything.

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    1. That is helpful, Bridgett, thank you. I have added in some healthier snacks, and my main meals are generally healthy - I eat between 8 and 12 portions of fruit and veg a day normally. I wonder if there is anything else I could "add", not necessarily food, that would also help… :)

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    2. Sounds like you need to add a nap or two! ;-)

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    3. Oh, I wish! I tried a couple times, but things have been crazy here. I'm hoping it'll calm down a bit after next week! Still, this week I managed to sleep til nearly 9am twice, and that helped :D

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