Wednesday, 30 April 2014

Rebellion

Since giving birth, I've been rather exhausted.  Although the new baby is pretty good as these things go, I'm still up 3-6 times a night with him, and often out of bed earlier than I'd like.  In any case, I blame being tired all the time for how poorly I feel I've been eating. 

At the weekend, a comment from Magic Mentha made me think that writing down how poorly I think I'm eating may not be the best way of encouraging better practices.  I beat myself up mentally, knowing what I should be doing, but not doing it. 

On Saturday, I also got a book I'd ordered on a friend's recommendation.  I flicked it open, and landed straight on a page recommending eating following CROND principles: calorie reduced, optimal nutrition diet. 

Feeling down on myself for not tapping regularly (EFT) and eating lots of junk, I decided to draw a card on what would help me with my eating at this time.  I pulled a card from Les Vampires (Blue Angel, 2014): Rebellion. 

At first, it didn't make much sense to me, so I looked in the companion book.  One thing that struck me was it talking about being stuck following rules.  I felt that was me, making rules about how and when and what I should eat, and about having to write my misdemeanours down.  Another part talked about finding and following your own soul's path, and that felt important to me, too.  Just trying to follow someone else's idea of a good diet doesn't necessarily take into account where I am right now, physically, mentally and spiritually. 

In many ways, this isn't just about food.  It's about being a breast-feeding mother, about feeling I have little time for myself or my partner, or for spiritual practices.  Though I love my baby, I am also perhaps old and set in my ways.  I like blogging and meditating.  And though I've been trying to be mindful or chant while with my baby, I miss having time to tidy my altar, light a candle, and chant or enter a card.  I miss having two hands free, and being able to blog easily.  I'm writing this on my phone while walking round the garden, playing football with my older son and trying to keep the baby asleep in the BabyBjorn, after a case of the five o'clock grizzlies.  Feeling a bit trapped, I take solace in food.  Not very effective, really, but still...

Coming back to eating and rebellion, I've stopped writing down my food sins.  And I'm trying to find how I can be a mother and be myself, as well.

Saturday, 19 April 2014

Day By Day

Wildwood Tarot
This morning, for no obvious reason I can fathom, I woke with a song in my head: Day By Day.  It's a song I learned from a Swedish friend back when I was 14.  The same friend taught my how to play chords on the piano, so I could accompany myself when I wanted to sing.  At the time, I didn't like this particular song.  I didn't like the religious connotations, I found the use of "thee" old-fashioned, and I hated calling to the "Lord".  Even now, that last is the part that rankles most with me.

I think it took me so long to find my spirituality because I found it almost impossible to worship a male deity.  A few years ago, I tried to incorporate male aspects into my spiritual practice more, but the only one who has really stuck is Ganesha.  Praying to "the Lord" still doesn't sit easy with me.

And yet, I have always loved the music of this song.  The lyrics, too, make sense to me much more now than they did when I first learnt them nearly thirty years ago.  They echo what James Ricklef writes about: the idea of trying to always see the spiritual side in everything that life offers us, and of trying to live according to principles of love and devotion.

Now I'm wondering if I could put a one syllable Goddess name in to replace Lord, Bast, maybe.  Or perhaps just bite the bullet and sing it as is.  After all, there are plenty of men I love in my life - my DH, my two sons, and my stepfather topping the list.  Maybe I can start from the known to approach the unknown...

Saturday, 12 April 2014

Book vs Bear

Last night, the moon was full (okay, just realised it looked it, but wasn't quite - officially on Tuesday).  I haven't been following the moon's cycles of late (as you can tell), ensconced in the baby-zone.  Yet, that self-same baby had me awake and walking around the house, so that I spotted the full-moon through a window.  So, I took the time to chant to the Goddess as Moon, reminded of the chant I created a few years back.  Another thing I haven't done for a while - made a Youtube video.  Ah well, there will be time, if I want and Goddess willing, in the future.

With that inspiration, this morning I decided to do another thing I haven't done for quite some time: draw a Lenormand line of three.  I pulled from the Gilded Reverie Lenormand (Ciro Marchetti, 2012):

Book, Coffin, Bear

The first thing I saw here was the end (Coffin) of writing (Book), as motherhood (Bear) takes over.  Certainly, this blog is testament to how little time I've been spending on anything esoteric, and writing more generally.  More particularly, I see it pointing to how my life has changed from focusing on the spiritual (Book) to focusing on the practical (Bear).  While the two aren't mutually exclusive in any way, my spiritual practices have often been focused on writing, studying, drawing cards, and meditations that are quite mental.  I guess a walking meditation isn't so much, and I have at least been chanting while breastfeeding sometimes recently :D

There is also something here about how the move away from writing has had a detrimental impact on my nutrition - now that I don't write what I eat, I feel a little out of control.  Still, all that says is that if I want to get control back, I need to return to keeping track of what I'm eating...